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I am so tired. And I have so much to do. I have a list of things that is not getting longer, I just have no time to really clear it.

I am working 6 days a week and it's starting to kill me. I never thought I would get this tired so quick? And christmas shopping has drained my funds again.

I am traveling all over South Florida. Okeechobee, Miami, Coral Springs, Ft. Lauderdale, Pompono, Key West. I have not stopped since gas got cheaper. So much for my carbon footprint.

And I'm getting sick, I'm running out of candle wax, slowing getting to the center.

Good news is that school is almost over, though I'm depressed about that because I won't be back in a desk for a few months. I feel like a slacker, not really going anywhere.

I'm also getting my coffee master. Thats really exciting for me since I've been working for starbucks over a year, coffee for 7 years. I want the black apron! Hott.

My hair is really long, it's to the end of my back. And it's healthy.

I'm still a little skinny. I can't wear anything out of my closet that doesn't look baggy. Even my T-shirts that used to be fitting now hang over my boobs. Thanks to that I've been wearing the same three things over and over again besides starbucks uniforms. It's starting to make me worry about how I am going to dress myself in DC. It's going to be cold and I'm moving there during the coldest parts. I don't even have a winter jacket besides my snowboarding jacket.

The family is going snowboarding in Feb. Very excited. To my town, breakenridge.

My mother has been acting like a mother to me. We went shopping all weekend and saw the movie Australia. I've actually been enjoying myself at home. Imagine that? Perhaps it was me who let go, or it's them who woke up. I think it was a little of both.

I can't wait to write a book.

My throat hurts and I'm going out with Dariel tonight for Drinks. Perhaps I'll convince him to go out for tea. Hooot tea. I'd prefer to hang with Juan instead then. :-) Tea will put out the fire in my throat.

I love videogames and videogamers. They are so much fun.

I have a lot of crap. I need to go through my closet AGAIN. Every time I clear some stuff out I still think "how I'm going to fit all this crap into boxes". I printed labels to the side that read "Courtney's Crap" I found it so amusing I cried.

_____
"I don't carry a lot"

"Why?"

"If you get stripped of all your things, the only thing left are your stories to define you."
_____


-110

Let me sign

I'm ready.

I'm ready for it all.

Bring it.

-110






Broken she
Has her arms twisted
Is pointing at me
I'll stand, but I ain't coming
Over as she
She spoke with a voice
That struck at the sky
She said, "come on over
Bittersweet
I'll wrap you in my arms"
And She said, "Let me sign"
"Let me sign"

Absence

I'm taking a little absence. I don't really think that people here will care however I wanted this here for my sake.

Goodbye

-110
When I open that letter I will cry, my legs will give out and I will cry until my eyes run dry.

Or I will panic, because I won't know what to do next. Although I do, I will not want to take any more steps. Steps in this cracked out system.  I will hide in a hole so deep I will never see the surface again.

-110

The past few days

I actually am in the mood to write. I think I've had to much caffeine today. My life has been all about school and work and trying to fill my nights.

Work has been rather interesting only for the simple fact that I have been whoring myself out to any store that will give me hours. I have to work 6 days a week consisting of two doubles for me to get 35 hours. It's out of control. That was about a week ago.

However time has been FLYING by. I can't get over how I see weeks just fall off the calendar. Anyone else feeling the same? or is it just me.

School, my one class isn't going as well as I had hoped. I am simply not caring. I only care about getting into American which I haven't heard from yet. I show up, I do what I'm asked and I enjoy the work...actually I REALLY enjoy the work. I just, idk. I'm burnt out. I need some real motivation.

Back to work since work is my life these days. I complained to my boss about not getting enough hours. Now I have stacked up to 40 hours this week thanks to another store picking me up. I have a good 35 next week just at my store (Thank god) I hate jumping around although it's given me a lot of practice at working and feeling out other stores. And I'm working thanksgiving. I called my brother to ask if he was working, and he was...therefore we aren't having turkey day on turkey day this year. I chose to work since It will be time and a half....which is.....(drumroll) 15 an hour. So for my one 6 hour shift it's.......(I am such a money loving whore) 90 bucks......FUCK YEAH. Not ! point just a FUCK YEAH. That's what I like to see.

My mother secured a 4 day ski trip to Colorado this year......All I have to pay for is my plane ticket. However I just heard today that she can't get the time off work.....we travel so fucking much...I love it. September, North Florida. October, DC. November, Key West. December, DC/NYC(maybe). January, perhaps Colorado. It's a big world and you're dead for so long.


Filling my nightsCollapse )

Key west was fantastic. I took Dariel and I got SMASHED on duvall street. He made sure that we made it back to the condo and I had advil in my system. We boated at Sand Key and I actually scuba dived. Jake had all his equipment and i tried it all on and went under for a while.  I didn't want to come back up really.

So I suppose thats the most of it then. I'm happy to be who I am right now. Anyone just get that feeling once and a while?

-110

Can I scream now?

My class readings

"According to a 2005 report by the Institute for the Analysis of Global Security, almost one-forth of the world's conventional oil is controlled by states that sponsor or condone terrorism. This means that, in buying oil from those countries, the United States and other countries fighting and funding a war on terrorism are simultaneously funding the enemy. According to a 2006 poll of 100 foreign policy experts in 'Foreign Policy' magazine, 'the highest priority in fighting terrorism must be to sharply reduce America's dependence on foreign oil'. "


Can I scream now, I simply want to scream.

Hydrogen can't come fast enough. According to GM there hydrogen fuel cell car can be in production by 2020. Although American car manufacturers are going rapidly down, Obama (fo yo mamma) wants to subsidize even MORE towards American automakers.

I can still tell you one thing, that is that Japanese automakers are already there.

Japan has been importing 100% of there energy since day one. They are already ahead.

CAN I SCREAM NOW!

WHATS IT GOING TO TAKE FOR PEOPLE TO THINK RIGHT!


-110


PS the other day I argued with a punk in my store about this...he said that he didn't care about the environment and I said as calmly as I could. "You will, You will once it starts hitting your Armani Ex. wallet. And I will be there to say I told you so."


I'M FUCKING TIRED OF A POINT FINGER AND NOT A CARE SOCIETY

rant over
I have to admit that I am surprised. I just hope that he can do everything that he preached.

This election I have to also admit that I really simply....gave up.  I believe that both were a bunch of bull crap. They would one up each other and would try to beat out the other through talk and that we were kissing babies in the back of trains again.


I thought that it was all just bulllllll shiiiit.

However I watched the news at the bar, the same place I watched the world series and watched Obama win and I also have to admit that I was....proud.  And I come from SUCH A REPUBLICAN FAMILY.  My brother is burying himself, my mother is keeping her mouth shut and my father? I actually don't know but it was the phrase "Obama has the ability to lead this country to a new direction and isn't saturated by politics to do so."  That is what sold me.

We are changing.....we needed a presidant that was willing to accept that the past is over and it's time to look to new ideas.

It's time.  We are finally ready.


As for my personal views.  I believe jobs come to those who work hard....I work FUCKING HARD every damn day. I'm not worried about that. Social security? I'm never going to see it. The states have taken gay rights to there own politics.

The one thing that I'm worried about is the planet that I live in and neither of them created a plan that I liked. I am sad to say that Obama is for Nuclear energy and the cap and trade system. (so was mckain)  I hope to the earth that he moves away from oil (he wants to put the subsidies elsewhere) and move towards renewable energy.

Three things need to happen....

Money needs to get pulled from Oil.
infostructure needs to be created for hydrogen and renewable energy
Money need to be put into new technology of htdrogen and renewables.


Lets see what he can do FOR ME.  This is how he can prove himself the other crap is just a well rounded healthy point of view. If it makes others happy I'm for it, but this is where my intrests lie.


Can't wait to be in DC to feel it all happen :-)

-110

Only an hour

Whew.


I have only an hour to do this....that is kinda post and get ready for work.

"Courtney is always working!"  Ive been hearing that a lot again.


Lets see, lets start with Friday.

Friday,
Test, eat, (actually turned down a shift!  GASP!) BOUGHT SOME AWESOME FUCKING COOL COMBAT BOOTS!  they are......omfg  perfect.  Perfect for me too.

Rush home packed a 6pack of beer, Malibu rum, my costume and my wallet prepped for a night out.

Work...awesomeness. I wore a mini witches hat propped on my head. Got a lot of compliments.

Dariel showed up. I closed the store. Jump in his car in tow with the sixpack and two malibu rum fruit smoothies that I made at work....we pre-game.

I can't find the place....who cares.  I'm drunk drinking my third beer (in an hour) out of a starbucks cup up and down miami beach and lincolin road.  IT was FUCKING FANTASTIC.  Saw Luke Skywalker.  Said "Show me the force luke!  Make me believe!  WHO'S YOUR DADDY!"  Went crazy....was mad drunk.  And it was awesome. With actual combat boots everyone reconized me as laura croft.  It was fantastic. I flirted, touched random naked guys. saw chicks in thongs.  Actually enjoyed my time in miami.. Nothing went wrong but how Dariel and his stupidity in not letting me in on the plan.  I almost called for a seperate ride home because of him.  But I made it home alright.  Made it back to my car at like 4something am.  Home in bed by 5.

Work Saturday. I slept in.  My mother wakes me saying that she's leaving for key west.

I go to work....a little under but wonderful.  Work and close up the store saying Peace out!

And I get my phone back...thats another story.

Went to a house party with Dwight. We party at the pimps and hoes party. I drink and drink. He drives home then leaves himself. "Can't I stay over?"

"ummm no"

"Oh."

"Later dwight"  :-)


Sunday I wake a little early.  Pack my totebag with only bare essentials.
Dariel comes over at like 11 something. I grab a chai and lunch and we head south.

I make it to key west at like....ummmmm 2 or 3pm or so?
Lounge by the pool.  Steaks and potatos for dinner. Sleep on the pullout couch.  D and I but we were alright with that.

Next day we wake. Pack beer and chps and spend four hours on a boat at Sand Key. We dive and swim, drink and chat.  We get back to mainland.

Get shitfaced.  Dariel and I were almost in a rush to get there (Shit faced that is)....or at least I was.

We see the sunset at mallory square and all the art shows and preformances.

Get back to the condo.  D and I start the race again.

Walk across the street for dinner....continue drinking. My brother payed!  WHOOO HOOO!

Eat. Get back to the condo. D and I make our exit.

Park on Deval street.  And make rounds on foot.

Find a wonderful place called sloppy joes.  Start a tab.  We dance to 70s and 80s songs from a live band from Philly.  They were AWESOME! Cute and just all around wonderful. One player had a shirt on that said "Reduce reuse recycle"  I instantly like him. 5675309, michael jackson, Ah/Ha "Take on me" and "save a horse ride a cowboy" kind of songs.  Fucktastic!

I am sloshed and I grab dariel by his shirt collar and say "Are you alright to drive?"  yes "Do you know how to get home?" yes.  "Lets get advil and get the fuck out of here."  We retire to our pullout bed and I wake without an hangover!  WHOOOHOOO 24hr CVS!

We ate, said our goodbyes and went to shop of duval street.  I got all kinds of goodies like rings, hippy skirts and stuff at my favorite place called "Earthbound trading co." and they have brands like my fav (I have now a few garmets of) "Urban nomad".  Sounds just like me.

We just got back to my place, meaning pines, about 30m ago. D went south to vote and see home. I am due at work soon and have to leave in 45m.


History carries onward.  (i've been hanging around D far to much)


-110

The night

Last night Sam and I hung out. It was fantastic and JUST WHAT I NEEDED.

We got a hold of tonic. Decent stuff and better than I've had recently simply because I haven't had time to be intoxicated beyond concentration.

But that's just the begnning. We went to the pub and had 2 for 1. Sam had to act as my boyfriend. I was high as a kite and getting a littly tysey and someone was interested....an old guy that was like 60. I looked at Sam. Leaned in so that I was getting his full attnetion.
"Sammy I need you."
"Yes Court?"
"I need you to be my boyfriend. I love you sammy, you need to be the love of my life.  Right now."
".....Court-"
"I need your help, BAD."  I scoot my chair severly close to him and he takes ahold of my thighs that are now at his lap. He carresses them lovenly and then takes my hand. "Sammy help me, you have to protect me. I can't do this without you. You're now my boyfriend."

I was so high and FUCKING PARINOID over this old guy. I was actually officially uncomfortable. Like I said, it's cold out in Florida so I was all covered. Nothing was showing to get his attention. 

And people wonder why I'm shopping for Glocks.  Seriously I've even picked out the one I want, this isn't the first time.

I looked Sam right in the eye. "I need you. You have to defend me, you're not armed and don't carry so I need you to be purely intimidating, please Sam I can't do it on my own."

"Courtney, stop. I got you."

It was funny. We stepped outside and I thanked him for his performance and he was like "Yeah that was an oscar winning one right?!" I responded with only a.... "Deeana would have been proud."


Another moment he became my Jacob Black.


The point of this entry is this.  I made it home somewhat sober. The pot was dry and I ate with the beer. I passed out right away after all the crap that happeend yesterday (working a 10 hour shift spread over two stores) so I fell right asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night with my chair cracking as if someone was sitting on it. It's old.  The wood cracks when you sit on it. And I herd it so well that I snapped awake....I was in the deepest sleep and I snapped awake....i couldn't fucking believe it because I heard someone moving around my room......again....this isn't the first time.  My door creaks LOUD when you walk in and I wake to it every time and I didn't wake to that which means one thing....someone came in without even using the door.  

Sounds fake, I swear it was a spirit. 

If antonia came around it would make sense.  Our favorite holiday was halloween for obvious reasons.

I didn't have the courage to sit up and actually look over the mound of crap I have on my bed to see who it was. I was acutely scared, spooked, and I couldn't will myself to move.   I woke this morning to nothing changed, I kicked everything off my bed last night....which is weird for me.



I hope I have the courage tonight.


More studying

And I've fallen in LOVE WITH killswitch Engage.  Twigger I'm surprised you didn't have any of this when I transferred your music.


-110

Oct. 28th, 2008

Last night I realized something that I should have known all along.

There are two boys, best friends. That are falling for the same girl......me.

Last night I was playing chess with Shane when he was purposing the doing of something. I start to make it happen as always then he pauses, gets antsy, and starts staring at the floor. I ask him whats up and he just responds. "You know Nick likes you right?"
It caught me off guard because I really wasn't expecting THAT to come out.
"Yeah I figured that out long ago. But why-" We pause there in the parking lot and I slouch against my car. "Are you telling me this because you like me too?"

Shane just looked towards the ground.


And that was my night. We did however hang out there for a couple of hours. I was laying on the ground, pissed with myself and how it all ended up and was like "I hate this. This world. You either have to choose your mode of intoxication or spend your nights sitting in a parking lot. I'm tired of it all."


On a personal note. My boobs are getting even SMALLER.  They swelled announcing my period and as they did I realized that they were filling into my bra.  We shall see what happens. It could just all be in my head.

And it's cold down here. I think it's now like 60 out or something? It feels nice.

-110